Three reasons why I chose this title:
- I lalalove this song and I know I’m so behind on the bandwagon but it’s beautiful
- I feel like this song and the lyrics are pretty indicative of how I feel regarding Ed’s breakup and also how I feel mentally sometimes
- Gospels are where pastors go to preach and I feel like I do a fair share of preaching (whether that’s good or bad) over here so it was kind of ironic
Anywho. I heard this song for the first time a few weeks ago, put it on a playlist with a few other songs from Panic! as well as other artists, and woke up with it in my head this morning. Aside from it being a beautifully composed musical piece, the meaning strikes a chord with me. I don’t want to insinuate that I felt trapped in my relationship with Ed at all, because I didn’t. I have enough willpower and self respect to know when I’m trapped in a relationship that isn’t good for me and while it took me awhile to come to that conclusion, I did get there and I did what was so hard for me to do. There were times where I felt so miserable though, that I wanted to scream “if you love me let me go” because there were some times where I felt like I was getting dragged along. And I don’t think I recognized that until I heard the song, but it makes me want to scream at myself and a little bit at Ed because I don’t think that’s fair. I shouldn’t have had to feel like that. But, I try to learn from my mistakes and not regret anything (especially because there was a point of time where Ed made me SO happy, so I can’t regret something that brought me such joy).
The other reason this song reminds me of myself is because there are nights (and days, admittedly) where I want to call him up and apologize and make everything better. I know that that would be a terrible decision because this is truly what’s best for me (and him, too, I think) but there’s a part of me that aches to have him back. I find myself looking at pictures and videos that we took throughout our relationship and suffering with a huge pit of regret in my stomach. However, I know that I haven’t given myself nearly enough time to explore other options and live for myself yet, so I have to give it time.
Do I believe that Ed and I will get back together? I haven’t the slightest clue. I don’t think we will be able to get back to where we were, but I do miss his friendship and companionship. He was my best friend for a long time, so going from having him there constantly to quitting cold turkey (sorry for the bad analogy) has been hard. I think not being able to vent to him or talk to him has been harder than not being able to kiss him or cuddle him. There’s something to be said for dating your best friend.
I’m not sad. I’m just a little confused about how my heart is feeling versus how my head is feeling. I’ve always been one to follow my heart, so following my head is a learning experience all in itself.
More later. I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy with the kids I nanny for right now and obviously I need to focus on that. 😉