AGH (Sometimes You Need To Scream)

Well.  What the HELL.  Firstly, I know it’s been like six years sine I updated and I’M SORRY for that.  Life has been crazy crazy over here.  Never a dull moment, that’s for sure.

Some good things:  Every day, it gets easier and easier to wake up and not think about Ed.  Sure, I have my good days and my bad days, but overall I feel an overwhelming sense of calm settling over that part of my life.  I’m ready to keep the past in the past.  My mother always tells me that Ed (in this situation) is in my rearview mirror and I have to concentrate on everything coming into view on the dash.  She’s good like that, my mother is.

T-9 DAYS TILL I MOVE BACK IN!!!!!!!  I’m only a little bit excited.  (JOKES FOREVER I CAN’T WAIT!)  My roommates Tay and Dom have already moved in because they’re early arrivals due to cheer camp, so ALL of last weekend was spent helping them set up the room as well as moving in some of my stuff and just generally hanging out and getting back in the swing of things.  Going back to my house after spending the afternoon with my friends at school felt wrong and sad.  I do love being with my family, but I’m ready to get back in the swing of things with some of my most favorite people.

Some not-so-good-things:  I am ultra confused!  So.  Without name dropping or divulging super personal information, I have gotten friendzoned by someone who means the world to me even though I know he likes me too.  This is both a good and bad thing; good, because I am on my way and making progress in getting back into the swing of things on my own.  It feels good to be able to put my feelings toward someone else, someone who has the potential to be very good for me.  Bad, because raise your hand if you like getting friendzoned.  Oh, no hands?  WEIRD.  It sucks.  It’s sucky and the WORST part of it all is that I know he feels the same way for me but is not ready to act on anything yet.  I’m sure in the long run it’ll only be good for us, whether we decide to be together as a couple or just continue our friendship.  However, I’m in the middle of embracing the suck and let me tell you I did NOT miss this weird feeling of having anxiety of not knowing.

UGH.  Frustration x 1000000.

However, this weekend Maddie and I are road tripping all the way to Dayton, Ohio, to visit our friend Patrick who we went to high school with (I might have written about him before).  We are SO excited and I’m hoping it distracts me a little from my current situation.  It’ll be a hella long drive (something like 4.5 hours but I’ll probably have to pee at least twice) and I HATE driving on the highway/never ever drive on the highway so I’m hoping it’ll be a learning experience for me in the best way possible.  My mom grew up near Dayton and so in addition to meeting Patrick’s friends and experiencing all that the University of Dayton has to offer, I’m SO EXCITED to see where she grew up.  We’re planning on driving to her house and maybe the high school she went to.  I’ve never been to her old neighborhood so I’m really excited for that, too!  It should be a wonderful weekend.

I’ll get by, I know I will.  It’s just the waiting that kills me.  For now, I’m gonna listen to sad music and ponder.  I’ve become very good at this this summer, lol.

xoxo

Asking questions you don’t really want the answer to:

Sometimes, we all have these days.  You’ve got to know what I’m talking about: everything’s going great and then BAM! (really, feels like a huge BAM!), something hits ya and makes your day go from 60-0 real quick.  This doesn’t happen too often to me, but it’s a big bummer when it does.  For instance, take today.  I worked from 7:30A-2:00P and then came home, had some down time with my mom, and took a shower before Ed picked me up.  Then, we drove around and ran a few errands and I was in the best of moods.  After hanging out at his house for a bit, his parents took us (me, Ed, his sister, and Noah) to Chuck-E-Cheese.  We ate pizza, ran around, played games, and took cute pictures!  It was so much fun to see Noah experience this for the first time, and I’m lucky that their family wanted me to be a part of that.  Eventually, we went home and Ed put Noah to bed (not before he took me through his teeth-brushing routine which somehow ended up with him telling me that birds don’t like dog food, ???).  When he was settled, Ed and I were sitting in his backyard, on his porch; something that we do often.  I’m a freak when I can see the stars in the sky, and it was so clear that there were dozens out tonight.  I loved it.

We jumped around from topic to topic, playing music in the process, until we finally settled on Noah, parenthood, and of course, our future.  It was a sweet conversation, and it left me with a longing and excitement for the future.  The conversation turned into something that I get rather nervous talking about, which is Ed and Noah’s mom’s relationship.  I have a genuine curiosity about it, but I feel like asking questions is out of my limit as his girlfriend.  He’s never been shy about anything I’ve asked him, and he always reassures me that I can ask him anything because he’s an open book: the way he looks at it, he wants people to learn from his situation and no one’s going to do any learning if he’s closed off or awkward about it.  So, my curiosity and confidence getting the best of me, I asked him a few intimate questions about his previous relationship.  Almost immediately, I regretted asking.  It felt nosy, but I also think that I knew the answers before he told me.  I was hoping that he would tell me what I wanted to hear, to prove my suspicions wrong and reassure me that I shouldn’t stress about anything.  However, he gave me the answers that I knew I was going to get and the answers that I didn’t really want.  He was completely honest, and I love him so much for that; it would have been easier for both of us, I’m sure, if he would have given me the answers that I wanted.

I think Ed knew that I was upset.  I’m not very good at hiding it, especially from him.  It’s actually infuriating sometimes, because sometimes the best thing is to be upset by yourself, and whenever I’m with him he always finagles it out of me.  Before I got the chance to say anything, he said that even though he had no problem answering any of my questions, he thought that the questions I had asked were ones that maybe I shouldn’t have, at least at this point.  Not because he’s ashamed of his past or the questions, but because he knows I struggle with his past.  He kept apologizing and that made me sad, because the only person who I was angry with was myself.  It was selfish of me to think that getting the answer (that I didn’t want) to a question (that I shouldn’t have asked) would quell my curiosity or make our situation better.  I know Ed loves me, and he does an amazing job of taking care of me and making sure I’m happy.  Tonight, though, I made myself so unhappy in the worst way.  Instead of getting mad or heated or frustrated or irritated, I made myself sad.

I can’t help but think to myself, what the heck is wrong with you??  You’re in this beautiful relationship, with the most handsome and caring man you’ve ever met.  Why can’t you just live in the now instead of worrying about his past?  Why must you ruin nights like this??  I know that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, but tonight I couldn’t keep my eyes from feeling heavy or my throat from feeling tight.  I know Ed picked up on it, and I’m thankful that he respected me enough to not press me on the issue.  Even he knows that sometimes it’s best to be by yourself with your emotions, especially something that affects me like this does.

Recently, I made a deal with myself that, in order to find utmost happiness, I need to let go of things I cannot control – namely Ed’s past.  There is no way I could go back almost five years in time and stop them from meeting or dating, and I don’t know if I would want to because I know Ed’s the man he is today because of everything that happened in his past.  He wouldn’t be the same Ed, he wouldn’t be my Ed.  This being said, my biggest obstacle is Noah’s mom.  Even though she isn’t in Ed’s life anymore, I still feel threatened by her.  She knew him first, she loved him first, she was his before anyone else was.  I hate that, and I get a huge pit in my stomach when I think about it.  So writing this entry has been a huge pleasure for me.  (That was sarcasm, could you tell?).  These are the nights that I find myself struggling with the deal I made with myself.

However, I know that happiness is more important than dwelling on something that I can’t change.  So I’m working on it.  For now, I guess I’ll leave you with this: be careful with your curiosity.  Even though there might be a question that’s pressing the front of your brain and on the tip of your tongue, make sure asking will be worth the feeling you get if the answer is one you don’t want.