AGH (Sometimes You Need To Scream)

Well.  What the HELL.  Firstly, I know it’s been like six years sine I updated and I’M SORRY for that.  Life has been crazy crazy over here.  Never a dull moment, that’s for sure.

Some good things:  Every day, it gets easier and easier to wake up and not think about Ed.  Sure, I have my good days and my bad days, but overall I feel an overwhelming sense of calm settling over that part of my life.  I’m ready to keep the past in the past.  My mother always tells me that Ed (in this situation) is in my rearview mirror and I have to concentrate on everything coming into view on the dash.  She’s good like that, my mother is.

T-9 DAYS TILL I MOVE BACK IN!!!!!!!  I’m only a little bit excited.  (JOKES FOREVER I CAN’T WAIT!)  My roommates Tay and Dom have already moved in because they’re early arrivals due to cheer camp, so ALL of last weekend was spent helping them set up the room as well as moving in some of my stuff and just generally hanging out and getting back in the swing of things.  Going back to my house after spending the afternoon with my friends at school felt wrong and sad.  I do love being with my family, but I’m ready to get back in the swing of things with some of my most favorite people.

Some not-so-good-things:  I am ultra confused!  So.  Without name dropping or divulging super personal information, I have gotten friendzoned by someone who means the world to me even though I know he likes me too.  This is both a good and bad thing; good, because I am on my way and making progress in getting back into the swing of things on my own.  It feels good to be able to put my feelings toward someone else, someone who has the potential to be very good for me.  Bad, because raise your hand if you like getting friendzoned.  Oh, no hands?  WEIRD.  It sucks.  It’s sucky and the WORST part of it all is that I know he feels the same way for me but is not ready to act on anything yet.  I’m sure in the long run it’ll only be good for us, whether we decide to be together as a couple or just continue our friendship.  However, I’m in the middle of embracing the suck and let me tell you I did NOT miss this weird feeling of having anxiety of not knowing.

UGH.  Frustration x 1000000.

However, this weekend Maddie and I are road tripping all the way to Dayton, Ohio, to visit our friend Patrick who we went to high school with (I might have written about him before).  We are SO excited and I’m hoping it distracts me a little from my current situation.  It’ll be a hella long drive (something like 4.5 hours but I’ll probably have to pee at least twice) and I HATE driving on the highway/never ever drive on the highway so I’m hoping it’ll be a learning experience for me in the best way possible.  My mom grew up near Dayton and so in addition to meeting Patrick’s friends and experiencing all that the University of Dayton has to offer, I’m SO EXCITED to see where she grew up.  We’re planning on driving to her house and maybe the high school she went to.  I’ve never been to her old neighborhood so I’m really excited for that, too!  It should be a wonderful weekend.

I’ll get by, I know I will.  It’s just the waiting that kills me.  For now, I’m gonna listen to sad music and ponder.  I’ve become very good at this this summer, lol.

xoxo

This is Gospel (If You Love Me, Let Me Go)

Three reasons why I chose this title:

  1. I lalalove this song and I know I’m so behind on the bandwagon but it’s beautiful
  2. I feel like this song and the lyrics are pretty indicative of how I feel regarding Ed’s breakup and also how I feel mentally sometimes
  3. Gospels are where pastors go to preach and I feel like I do a fair share of preaching (whether that’s good or bad) over here so it was kind of ironic

Anywho. I heard this song for the first time a few weeks ago, put it on a playlist with a few other songs from Panic! as well as other artists, and woke up with it in my head this morning. Aside from it being a beautifully composed musical piece, the meaning strikes a chord with me. I don’t want to insinuate that I felt trapped in my relationship with Ed at all, because I didn’t. I have enough willpower and self respect to know when I’m trapped in a relationship that isn’t good for me and while it took me awhile to come to that conclusion, I did get there and I did what was so hard for me to do. There were times where I felt so miserable though, that I wanted to scream “if you love me let me go” because there were some times where I felt like I was getting dragged along. And I don’t think I recognized that until I heard the song, but it makes me want to scream at myself and a little bit at Ed because I don’t think that’s fair. I shouldn’t have had to feel like that. But, I try to learn from my mistakes and not regret anything (especially because there was a point of time where Ed made me SO happy, so I can’t regret something that brought me such joy).

The other reason this song reminds me of myself is because there are nights (and days, admittedly) where I want to call him up and apologize and make everything better. I know that that would be a terrible decision because this is truly what’s best for me (and him, too, I think) but there’s a part of me that aches to have him back. I find myself looking at pictures and videos that we took throughout our relationship and suffering with a huge pit of regret in my stomach. However, I know that I haven’t given myself nearly enough time to explore other options and live for myself yet, so I have to give it time. 

Do I believe that Ed and I will get back together? I haven’t the slightest clue. I don’t think we will be able to get back to where we were, but I do miss his friendship and companionship. He was my best friend for a long time, so going from having him there constantly to quitting cold turkey (sorry for the bad analogy) has been hard. I think not being able to vent to him or talk to him has been harder than not being able to kiss him or cuddle him. There’s something to be said for dating your best friend. 

I’m not sad. I’m just a little confused about how my heart is feeling versus how my head is feeling. I’ve always been one to follow my heart, so following my head is a learning experience all in itself. 

More later. I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy with the kids I nanny for right now and obviously I need to focus on that. 😉

xoxo