AGH (Sometimes You Need To Scream)

Well.  What the HELL.  Firstly, I know it’s been like six years sine I updated and I’M SORRY for that.  Life has been crazy crazy over here.  Never a dull moment, that’s for sure.

Some good things:  Every day, it gets easier and easier to wake up and not think about Ed.  Sure, I have my good days and my bad days, but overall I feel an overwhelming sense of calm settling over that part of my life.  I’m ready to keep the past in the past.  My mother always tells me that Ed (in this situation) is in my rearview mirror and I have to concentrate on everything coming into view on the dash.  She’s good like that, my mother is.

T-9 DAYS TILL I MOVE BACK IN!!!!!!!  I’m only a little bit excited.  (JOKES FOREVER I CAN’T WAIT!)  My roommates Tay and Dom have already moved in because they’re early arrivals due to cheer camp, so ALL of last weekend was spent helping them set up the room as well as moving in some of my stuff and just generally hanging out and getting back in the swing of things.  Going back to my house after spending the afternoon with my friends at school felt wrong and sad.  I do love being with my family, but I’m ready to get back in the swing of things with some of my most favorite people.

Some not-so-good-things:  I am ultra confused!  So.  Without name dropping or divulging super personal information, I have gotten friendzoned by someone who means the world to me even though I know he likes me too.  This is both a good and bad thing; good, because I am on my way and making progress in getting back into the swing of things on my own.  It feels good to be able to put my feelings toward someone else, someone who has the potential to be very good for me.  Bad, because raise your hand if you like getting friendzoned.  Oh, no hands?  WEIRD.  It sucks.  It’s sucky and the WORST part of it all is that I know he feels the same way for me but is not ready to act on anything yet.  I’m sure in the long run it’ll only be good for us, whether we decide to be together as a couple or just continue our friendship.  However, I’m in the middle of embracing the suck and let me tell you I did NOT miss this weird feeling of having anxiety of not knowing.

UGH.  Frustration x 1000000.

However, this weekend Maddie and I are road tripping all the way to Dayton, Ohio, to visit our friend Patrick who we went to high school with (I might have written about him before).  We are SO excited and I’m hoping it distracts me a little from my current situation.  It’ll be a hella long drive (something like 4.5 hours but I’ll probably have to pee at least twice) and I HATE driving on the highway/never ever drive on the highway so I’m hoping it’ll be a learning experience for me in the best way possible.  My mom grew up near Dayton and so in addition to meeting Patrick’s friends and experiencing all that the University of Dayton has to offer, I’m SO EXCITED to see where she grew up.  We’re planning on driving to her house and maybe the high school she went to.  I’ve never been to her old neighborhood so I’m really excited for that, too!  It should be a wonderful weekend.

I’ll get by, I know I will.  It’s just the waiting that kills me.  For now, I’m gonna listen to sad music and ponder.  I’ve become very good at this this summer, lol.

xoxo

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College: Winter Term

Woohoo!  I’m keeping up to speed with the updating, even if it is almost tomorrow.  Did that make sense?  Cuz it’s so late?  Man I hope I’m not this awkward on the radio…that wouldn’t make for much of a career.

Thanks for the positive feedback and thoughts on my previous post!  It’s lovely to hear from y’all even if I’ve been away for awhile.  Winter Term at NCC was the term that snuck up on me and sped by; I blinked and it was already week 8!!  In a way, it was a blessing.  The new year proved to be a bigger challenge than I was expecting it to.  I started Winter Term as an education major enrolled in an Intro to Teaching class.  At the end of the first week of classes, I knew that I had to get out of there quickly.  I didn’t know what my calling was, but I knew that I wasn’t cut out to be a teacher.   I have the utmost respect to everyone who pursues education, because I didn’t have it in me.  Week 4, I had so many meetings with different advisors and professors, who all wanted what was best for me.  With that being said, I withdrew from my education class, dropped the major, and switched to political science.  I’ve always been fascinated with the law and politics, so this seemed to be where I’d be best at home.  As soon as I officially switched majors, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

I faced an unexpected challenge during Winter Term; I’ve always enjoyed the warm months and even into fall because everything is beautiful.  However, after Christmas, New Year’s, and even Valentines Day I get a touch of seasonal depression; nothing serious, but enough to make me dreary and not want to get out of bed some mornings.  It came at an unfortunate time and hit me unexpectedly…I was finally falling into a good crowd at school and figuring out schooling and where I wanted to end up in the future, but something was off internally.  To top things off, Ed and I hit a few rough patches through those 10 weeks.  Valentines Day came and went and, being a hopeless romantic, I was really looking forward to spending the weekend with him.  Our first Vday was perfect; we packed a picnic and went body sledding on a frozen hill by my house, where I used to play as a child.  It was really picturesque and wonderful and so new – I had thought he was going to say the long awaited “L WORD” on Vday but ended up being a bit too nervous and unsure of how I was feeling (HAHA).  But, I digress.

Ed had decided to take the semester off of school to focus on getting a full time job as his child support was increasing as Noah got older, so even though he was looking for a full time job, he was still only getting 14-20 hours at his current job, which isn’t enough to support Noah, himself, and his girlfriend on Vday so we laid low and made cookies on the 13th, and went to his sister’s voice showcase the next day with his whole family.  It was a nice weekend, but I felt like he passed by relatively unscathed.  It seems incredibly superficial, but I don’t think he wished me a happy Vday the whole weekend, which makes me a little sad.  It sparked a huge fight between the two of us but we eventually patched the hole and moved on.

A big blessing that I got during Winter Term was finding my close friends.  Taylor and  I became close with two boys our age on the football team, Adam and AJ.  The boys weren’t roommates but lived on the same floor as each other, and Tay and I grew close with many of the boys on Seager 2; however, she and I both say that Adam and AJ are our favorites.  We are still close to this day and I consider them two of my very best friends.  We’re actually all in the same residence hall on the same floor (!!!!) this year, and I can’t wait to have practically all my best friends living in such close proximity.

I know Winter Term was a little on the lame side, but it honestly was such a blur and went by so quickly.

OH!  I ALMOST FORGOT!!!  For Christmas, my parents surprised me with two meet & greet passes to my FAVORITE artist Ron Pope’s show in Chicago on February 26th.  Initially I was going to bring Ed but decided to go with his little sister Maggie instead.  We had the most amazing night and Ron Pope sang my favorite songs, gave me three hugs, and absolutely positively made me fall in love with his music all over again.  That was the third time I have gotten the privilege of seeing him perform live and it never gets old.  I’ll be showing my children his music one day.

Alas, I’m losing motivation for this one.  All in all, Winter Term was a good one.  I’d give it a 7/10 – and that’s with the gross weather!

xoxo

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My roommate/best friend/partner in crime was being a SASSY bitch and took SO many sleeping Rachel pictures during Winter Term.

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Taylor, AJ, Adam, and I at the Brunswick Zone near school.  This was one of the first nights we all hung out (not pictured are all of our other guy friends lol) and it was a BLAST!

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Sonata killin’ it at Clash of the Sequins Showchoir Competition – 2.13.2016

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The only picture we took on Valentines Day, and it was actually the night before.

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Mags and I waiting for Ron Pope! We were actually the front of the line and were FREEZING by the time we got in.  Ron actually walked past us a few times and said “can’t wait to see you in there!” and I nearly passed out.

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AHHH!!!  RON FREAKING POPE!!!!  I still get butterflies when I think about this moment.  PSA: He’s a really good hugger.

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Awwww my lil fam.  This was the day after the RP concert and even though I had a huge helping of Post Concert Depression, they helped make it better.  (Adam, AJ, Me Tay).

College: Fall Term

Alriiigghhhtttt…since I have so much to update you all on (and by “you all” I mean the 4 people who used to read my entries), I’m going to break it into sections.  I’ll start with each of my 3 terms of freshman year and then work outwards to social life, relationships, etc.  Sound good?  Good.

Moving in was a day with so many emotions.  Mostly, it was bittersweet.  I remember standing in the middle of my empty bedroom, the place where I have spent the majority of my life for the past 11 years, and just being baffled that even though I was moving out it still looked remotely the same.  Like, isn’t everything supposed to be wildly different once you move out?  For me, I was shocked at how much it still looked like my room.  In a way, it was comforting because I knew that I could come back home and have it still be home.

There were a lot of tears when I said goodbye to my family; they helped me unpack and get my side of the room ready for when my roommate finally arrived (I moved in a week early for a theatre camp in downtown Chicago), we sat and suffered in the heat for three hours because the air conditioning in my building was apparently not turned on yet, and then we ate hotdogs and tried to socialize with all the other camp participants and their parents.  Eventually, I had to go to the opening ceremony for my camp and it was time to say goodbye to my family for the first time in my whole 18 years.  (I should note that I’m getting anxious and choked up just thinking about this moment).  I walked my parents and little brother (who is 16 and towers over me at 6’0) to my dad’s car, and that’s when we pretty much fell apart.  I don’t remember who I said goodbye to first.  I think it was my brother Michael, who laid his head down on my shoulder and shook with tears.  We have a pretty close relationship now as we are growing older, but hadn’t particularly gotten along always growing up.  However, his raw emotion is something that I felt so strongly and since then, I have a new appreciation for my brother who is fixated on making sure his hair falls nicely and gives me crap about literally everything I do.  Up next was my dad, who gave me a hug, let me cry on his shoulder, and tearfully told me that he would text me so we could get lunch soon.  I have seen my father cry a handful of times in my life; twice when his older brother and father passed away, twice when we put our dogs down, and once when my aunt passed away.  I can add the day he moved me in to NCC as one of those days and I was not expecting it.  Like Michael, my dad’s emotion rocked me.

I knew saying goodbye to my mom was going to be the hardest thing for me – over the past four years we have grown closer than I could have ever hoped and ever thought I wanted.  She is my best friend (I know I’ve mentioned this before).  I clung to my mom as though it was going to be the last time I saw her ever (even though I only go to school 20 minutes away from my house).  She told me to be strong and that she was proud of me and of course, to call and text her whenever I needed/wanted to.  She was so strong, and I could see through her tears that she really was proud of me.  Everything I do, I do it for my family.  They are my biggest support system and I could do nothing without them.

I went to theatre camp and it ended up being a little bit of a bust – mostly it was an awkward weekend spent with people I didn’t know, competing to impress the theatre department chair.  I look back on that weekend and I think that’s when I started to become more unhinged from theatre.  It was a gradual process but doing that camp definitely set it off.  I did meet a really great friend, though!  Elizabeth and I got each other through that weekend and although we aren’t as close anymore, she was my first friend at NCC and I have a special place in my heart for her.

Honestly, first term was such a blur.  There is, of course, the awkward stage of getting to know your roommate, balancing social lives with academia, trying not to get lost on campus or in the buildings, accidentally sleeping through your 9 AM finite mathematics class, getting sick the first time away from home, inevitable homesickness, and getting used to the craziness that is college.  Not all of it was bad, though!  I met so many amazing friends and have a lot of crazy memories with my roommate Taylor from first term (ones that we do NOT expel to just the average reader).  Something that I struggled with a lot that I didn’t expect was balancing school friends with Ed, my boyfriend at the time (more on that in a separate post).  While Taylor didn’t mind him hanging out in our room or being on campus with us occasionally, I didn’t particularly enjoy mixing the two groups of people in my life.  At the time, I didn’t understand why; however, I think looking back, I liked the fact that I had a life separate from Ed and wanted to maintain that for as long as I could before I had to be back in a twosome.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved hanging out with Ed.  It was just harder to balance the two than I thought it would be.

A huge blessing in my life came to me the second week of freshman year, on September 22nd to be exact (I remember because it was Ed and I’s 9 mo anniversary).  I auditioned for a coed a cappella group on campus.  At this point, I had no idea about collegiate a cappella other than what they show in Pitch Perfect.  I went into the audition mildly terrified but also very excited – essentially they had us sight read a verse and a chorus of Pompeii by Bastille and sing, individually, a verse and a chorus of a song of our choosing.  I decided, haphazardly, to sing Sun by Sleeping at Last.  Nervous doesn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling but as soon as I got onto that stage and started the song, I felt good – like it was destined that I was supposed to be singing one of my favorite songs for a bunch of random strangers.  By the grace of God, I was selected from 60 people to be 1/8 new members of Sonata Problem.  I don’t know how to describe how amazing they are, but I love each and every one of them, past and present.  But more on them later!!!

First term of my freshman year of college (so weird, still) was a whirlwind of activity and emotion packed into 10 short weeks.  There were times when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and scream; other times, I felt like I could conquer anything and everything, and dared anyone to tell me otherwise.  It was probably my least favorite term this year, but in retrospect I don’t think that’s fair to say because I wouldn’t change any of it – every single thing that happened in those 10 weeks made me into the person/student/friend/daughter I am today!  And that’s pretty darn cool.

I know this wasn’t a super in-depth rehash of first term but it’s honestly a little foggy.  I told the important parts, but mostly it’s important for anyone who is gearing up for their first (or second, third, or fourth) year at school to remember that even when your world feels like it’s crashing down onto you or you’re holding your 16 year old brother by the shoulders and telling him that all he has to do is drive 20 minutes to see you, college is such an incredible experience and to get ready for the best 4 years of your life (so far)!  All the struggle, stress, anxiety, money, exams, cram sessions, all-nighters, everything is so freaking worth it.

That’s all I’ve got tonight.  I’ll be back tomorrow to rehash my second term (and maybe my third if you’re lucky)!  For now, I’m going to listen to sad music from the Grey’s Anatomy soundtrack because sometimes, it’s what you need.

xoxo

IMG_3278Elizabeth and I on our second-to-last-day at Theatre Camp, at Navy Pier in downtown ChicagoIMG_3616

I love this picture…it’s me, my roommate Taylor, and our next-door neighbor Dominique. This was taken in November and little did we know, in a matter of months we would all be best friends and would be rooming together in the fall of 2016!

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SONATA PROBLEM at our first gig!  Well…a tiny fraction of us.  But still!  We are here!!

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The above two are Ed and I on our one-year anniversary.  We went ice skating and just spent time together at his house, coincidentally getting each other the same gift of scrapbooks and photo albums (because I love scrapbooking and he knew how much I loved pictures).  This was probably my favorite day spent with him.

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Starting off 2016 the right way!

Asking questions you don’t really want the answer to:

Sometimes, we all have these days.  You’ve got to know what I’m talking about: everything’s going great and then BAM! (really, feels like a huge BAM!), something hits ya and makes your day go from 60-0 real quick.  This doesn’t happen too often to me, but it’s a big bummer when it does.  For instance, take today.  I worked from 7:30A-2:00P and then came home, had some down time with my mom, and took a shower before Ed picked me up.  Then, we drove around and ran a few errands and I was in the best of moods.  After hanging out at his house for a bit, his parents took us (me, Ed, his sister, and Noah) to Chuck-E-Cheese.  We ate pizza, ran around, played games, and took cute pictures!  It was so much fun to see Noah experience this for the first time, and I’m lucky that their family wanted me to be a part of that.  Eventually, we went home and Ed put Noah to bed (not before he took me through his teeth-brushing routine which somehow ended up with him telling me that birds don’t like dog food, ???).  When he was settled, Ed and I were sitting in his backyard, on his porch; something that we do often.  I’m a freak when I can see the stars in the sky, and it was so clear that there were dozens out tonight.  I loved it.

We jumped around from topic to topic, playing music in the process, until we finally settled on Noah, parenthood, and of course, our future.  It was a sweet conversation, and it left me with a longing and excitement for the future.  The conversation turned into something that I get rather nervous talking about, which is Ed and Noah’s mom’s relationship.  I have a genuine curiosity about it, but I feel like asking questions is out of my limit as his girlfriend.  He’s never been shy about anything I’ve asked him, and he always reassures me that I can ask him anything because he’s an open book: the way he looks at it, he wants people to learn from his situation and no one’s going to do any learning if he’s closed off or awkward about it.  So, my curiosity and confidence getting the best of me, I asked him a few intimate questions about his previous relationship.  Almost immediately, I regretted asking.  It felt nosy, but I also think that I knew the answers before he told me.  I was hoping that he would tell me what I wanted to hear, to prove my suspicions wrong and reassure me that I shouldn’t stress about anything.  However, he gave me the answers that I knew I was going to get and the answers that I didn’t really want.  He was completely honest, and I love him so much for that; it would have been easier for both of us, I’m sure, if he would have given me the answers that I wanted.

I think Ed knew that I was upset.  I’m not very good at hiding it, especially from him.  It’s actually infuriating sometimes, because sometimes the best thing is to be upset by yourself, and whenever I’m with him he always finagles it out of me.  Before I got the chance to say anything, he said that even though he had no problem answering any of my questions, he thought that the questions I had asked were ones that maybe I shouldn’t have, at least at this point.  Not because he’s ashamed of his past or the questions, but because he knows I struggle with his past.  He kept apologizing and that made me sad, because the only person who I was angry with was myself.  It was selfish of me to think that getting the answer (that I didn’t want) to a question (that I shouldn’t have asked) would quell my curiosity or make our situation better.  I know Ed loves me, and he does an amazing job of taking care of me and making sure I’m happy.  Tonight, though, I made myself so unhappy in the worst way.  Instead of getting mad or heated or frustrated or irritated, I made myself sad.

I can’t help but think to myself, what the heck is wrong with you??  You’re in this beautiful relationship, with the most handsome and caring man you’ve ever met.  Why can’t you just live in the now instead of worrying about his past?  Why must you ruin nights like this??  I know that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, but tonight I couldn’t keep my eyes from feeling heavy or my throat from feeling tight.  I know Ed picked up on it, and I’m thankful that he respected me enough to not press me on the issue.  Even he knows that sometimes it’s best to be by yourself with your emotions, especially something that affects me like this does.

Recently, I made a deal with myself that, in order to find utmost happiness, I need to let go of things I cannot control – namely Ed’s past.  There is no way I could go back almost five years in time and stop them from meeting or dating, and I don’t know if I would want to because I know Ed’s the man he is today because of everything that happened in his past.  He wouldn’t be the same Ed, he wouldn’t be my Ed.  This being said, my biggest obstacle is Noah’s mom.  Even though she isn’t in Ed’s life anymore, I still feel threatened by her.  She knew him first, she loved him first, she was his before anyone else was.  I hate that, and I get a huge pit in my stomach when I think about it.  So writing this entry has been a huge pleasure for me.  (That was sarcasm, could you tell?).  These are the nights that I find myself struggling with the deal I made with myself.

However, I know that happiness is more important than dwelling on something that I can’t change.  So I’m working on it.  For now, I guess I’ll leave you with this: be careful with your curiosity.  Even though there might be a question that’s pressing the front of your brain and on the tip of your tongue, make sure asking will be worth the feeling you get if the answer is one you don’t want.