Asking questions you don’t really want the answer to:

Sometimes, we all have these days.  You’ve got to know what I’m talking about: everything’s going great and then BAM! (really, feels like a huge BAM!), something hits ya and makes your day go from 60-0 real quick.  This doesn’t happen too often to me, but it’s a big bummer when it does.  For instance, take today.  I worked from 7:30A-2:00P and then came home, had some down time with my mom, and took a shower before Ed picked me up.  Then, we drove around and ran a few errands and I was in the best of moods.  After hanging out at his house for a bit, his parents took us (me, Ed, his sister, and Noah) to Chuck-E-Cheese.  We ate pizza, ran around, played games, and took cute pictures!  It was so much fun to see Noah experience this for the first time, and I’m lucky that their family wanted me to be a part of that.  Eventually, we went home and Ed put Noah to bed (not before he took me through his teeth-brushing routine which somehow ended up with him telling me that birds don’t like dog food, ???).  When he was settled, Ed and I were sitting in his backyard, on his porch; something that we do often.  I’m a freak when I can see the stars in the sky, and it was so clear that there were dozens out tonight.  I loved it.

We jumped around from topic to topic, playing music in the process, until we finally settled on Noah, parenthood, and of course, our future.  It was a sweet conversation, and it left me with a longing and excitement for the future.  The conversation turned into something that I get rather nervous talking about, which is Ed and Noah’s mom’s relationship.  I have a genuine curiosity about it, but I feel like asking questions is out of my limit as his girlfriend.  He’s never been shy about anything I’ve asked him, and he always reassures me that I can ask him anything because he’s an open book: the way he looks at it, he wants people to learn from his situation and no one’s going to do any learning if he’s closed off or awkward about it.  So, my curiosity and confidence getting the best of me, I asked him a few intimate questions about his previous relationship.  Almost immediately, I regretted asking.  It felt nosy, but I also think that I knew the answers before he told me.  I was hoping that he would tell me what I wanted to hear, to prove my suspicions wrong and reassure me that I shouldn’t stress about anything.  However, he gave me the answers that I knew I was going to get and the answers that I didn’t really want.  He was completely honest, and I love him so much for that; it would have been easier for both of us, I’m sure, if he would have given me the answers that I wanted.

I think Ed knew that I was upset.  I’m not very good at hiding it, especially from him.  It’s actually infuriating sometimes, because sometimes the best thing is to be upset by yourself, and whenever I’m with him he always finagles it out of me.  Before I got the chance to say anything, he said that even though he had no problem answering any of my questions, he thought that the questions I had asked were ones that maybe I shouldn’t have, at least at this point.  Not because he’s ashamed of his past or the questions, but because he knows I struggle with his past.  He kept apologizing and that made me sad, because the only person who I was angry with was myself.  It was selfish of me to think that getting the answer (that I didn’t want) to a question (that I shouldn’t have asked) would quell my curiosity or make our situation better.  I know Ed loves me, and he does an amazing job of taking care of me and making sure I’m happy.  Tonight, though, I made myself so unhappy in the worst way.  Instead of getting mad or heated or frustrated or irritated, I made myself sad.

I can’t help but think to myself, what the heck is wrong with you??  You’re in this beautiful relationship, with the most handsome and caring man you’ve ever met.  Why can’t you just live in the now instead of worrying about his past?  Why must you ruin nights like this??  I know that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, but tonight I couldn’t keep my eyes from feeling heavy or my throat from feeling tight.  I know Ed picked up on it, and I’m thankful that he respected me enough to not press me on the issue.  Even he knows that sometimes it’s best to be by yourself with your emotions, especially something that affects me like this does.

Recently, I made a deal with myself that, in order to find utmost happiness, I need to let go of things I cannot control – namely Ed’s past.  There is no way I could go back almost five years in time and stop them from meeting or dating, and I don’t know if I would want to because I know Ed’s the man he is today because of everything that happened in his past.  He wouldn’t be the same Ed, he wouldn’t be my Ed.  This being said, my biggest obstacle is Noah’s mom.  Even though she isn’t in Ed’s life anymore, I still feel threatened by her.  She knew him first, she loved him first, she was his before anyone else was.  I hate that, and I get a huge pit in my stomach when I think about it.  So writing this entry has been a huge pleasure for me.  (That was sarcasm, could you tell?).  These are the nights that I find myself struggling with the deal I made with myself.

However, I know that happiness is more important than dwelling on something that I can’t change.  So I’m working on it.  For now, I guess I’ll leave you with this: be careful with your curiosity.  Even though there might be a question that’s pressing the front of your brain and on the tip of your tongue, make sure asking will be worth the feeling you get if the answer is one you don’t want.

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