AGH (Sometimes You Need To Scream)

Well.  What the HELL.  Firstly, I know it’s been like six years sine I updated and I’M SORRY for that.  Life has been crazy crazy over here.  Never a dull moment, that’s for sure.

Some good things:  Every day, it gets easier and easier to wake up and not think about Ed.  Sure, I have my good days and my bad days, but overall I feel an overwhelming sense of calm settling over that part of my life.  I’m ready to keep the past in the past.  My mother always tells me that Ed (in this situation) is in my rearview mirror and I have to concentrate on everything coming into view on the dash.  She’s good like that, my mother is.

T-9 DAYS TILL I MOVE BACK IN!!!!!!!  I’m only a little bit excited.  (JOKES FOREVER I CAN’T WAIT!)  My roommates Tay and Dom have already moved in because they’re early arrivals due to cheer camp, so ALL of last weekend was spent helping them set up the room as well as moving in some of my stuff and just generally hanging out and getting back in the swing of things.  Going back to my house after spending the afternoon with my friends at school felt wrong and sad.  I do love being with my family, but I’m ready to get back in the swing of things with some of my most favorite people.

Some not-so-good-things:  I am ultra confused!  So.  Without name dropping or divulging super personal information, I have gotten friendzoned by someone who means the world to me even though I know he likes me too.  This is both a good and bad thing; good, because I am on my way and making progress in getting back into the swing of things on my own.  It feels good to be able to put my feelings toward someone else, someone who has the potential to be very good for me.  Bad, because raise your hand if you like getting friendzoned.  Oh, no hands?  WEIRD.  It sucks.  It’s sucky and the WORST part of it all is that I know he feels the same way for me but is not ready to act on anything yet.  I’m sure in the long run it’ll only be good for us, whether we decide to be together as a couple or just continue our friendship.  However, I’m in the middle of embracing the suck and let me tell you I did NOT miss this weird feeling of having anxiety of not knowing.

UGH.  Frustration x 1000000.

However, this weekend Maddie and I are road tripping all the way to Dayton, Ohio, to visit our friend Patrick who we went to high school with (I might have written about him before).  We are SO excited and I’m hoping it distracts me a little from my current situation.  It’ll be a hella long drive (something like 4.5 hours but I’ll probably have to pee at least twice) and I HATE driving on the highway/never ever drive on the highway so I’m hoping it’ll be a learning experience for me in the best way possible.  My mom grew up near Dayton and so in addition to meeting Patrick’s friends and experiencing all that the University of Dayton has to offer, I’m SO EXCITED to see where she grew up.  We’re planning on driving to her house and maybe the high school she went to.  I’ve never been to her old neighborhood so I’m really excited for that, too!  It should be a wonderful weekend.

I’ll get by, I know I will.  It’s just the waiting that kills me.  For now, I’m gonna listen to sad music and ponder.  I’ve become very good at this this summer, lol.

xoxo

This is Gospel (If You Love Me, Let Me Go)

Three reasons why I chose this title:

  1. I lalalove this song and I know I’m so behind on the bandwagon but it’s beautiful
  2. I feel like this song and the lyrics are pretty indicative of how I feel regarding Ed’s breakup and also how I feel mentally sometimes
  3. Gospels are where pastors go to preach and I feel like I do a fair share of preaching (whether that’s good or bad) over here so it was kind of ironic

Anywho. I heard this song for the first time a few weeks ago, put it on a playlist with a few other songs from Panic! as well as other artists, and woke up with it in my head this morning. Aside from it being a beautifully composed musical piece, the meaning strikes a chord with me. I don’t want to insinuate that I felt trapped in my relationship with Ed at all, because I didn’t. I have enough willpower and self respect to know when I’m trapped in a relationship that isn’t good for me and while it took me awhile to come to that conclusion, I did get there and I did what was so hard for me to do. There were times where I felt so miserable though, that I wanted to scream “if you love me let me go” because there were some times where I felt like I was getting dragged along. And I don’t think I recognized that until I heard the song, but it makes me want to scream at myself and a little bit at Ed because I don’t think that’s fair. I shouldn’t have had to feel like that. But, I try to learn from my mistakes and not regret anything (especially because there was a point of time where Ed made me SO happy, so I can’t regret something that brought me such joy).

The other reason this song reminds me of myself is because there are nights (and days, admittedly) where I want to call him up and apologize and make everything better. I know that that would be a terrible decision because this is truly what’s best for me (and him, too, I think) but there’s a part of me that aches to have him back. I find myself looking at pictures and videos that we took throughout our relationship and suffering with a huge pit of regret in my stomach. However, I know that I haven’t given myself nearly enough time to explore other options and live for myself yet, so I have to give it time. 

Do I believe that Ed and I will get back together? I haven’t the slightest clue. I don’t think we will be able to get back to where we were, but I do miss his friendship and companionship. He was my best friend for a long time, so going from having him there constantly to quitting cold turkey (sorry for the bad analogy) has been hard. I think not being able to vent to him or talk to him has been harder than not being able to kiss him or cuddle him. There’s something to be said for dating your best friend. 

I’m not sad. I’m just a little confused about how my heart is feeling versus how my head is feeling. I’ve always been one to follow my heart, so following my head is a learning experience all in itself. 

More later. I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy with the kids I nanny for right now and obviously I need to focus on that. 😉

xoxo

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”

I know, that quote is totally unoriginal and I probably could have done a better job with getting your attention.  But, alas, here you are!  This quote has certainly stuck with me over the past few months as I’ve gone through so many unexpected changes in a relatively short amount of time.

I addressed this in my previous blog post, but on June 10th, Ed and I’s relationship, 10 days short of 1.5 years, came to an end.  I was the one who facilitated the break up, but I think I had been pushed to calling it quits for awhile before I actually had the nerve to end it.  There was so much that influenced how, when, where, and why I broke up with him.  The most frequently asked question I’ve received in the two months since is simply, “why?”  Honestly, this is the hardest question to answer.  There were so many factors that played into my decision.  I had been feeling like I was on the receiving end of an undetermined amount of empty promises for the last quarter of our relationship; I wasn’t sure that Ed would be the only man to make me as happy as he did, without the constant bickering and compromising on things that I shouldn’t have had to sacrifice; my 5 year plan was vastly different than his was and would have ultimately ended in my sacrificing things that I’m passionate about (getting married and starting a family young).  Alongside the big issues were smaller ones like feeling as though I wasn’t as big of a priority as I felt like I deserved to be – this is NOT to say that I expect to be tended to 24/7, but rather that I would constantly be put on the back burner to his friends, skateboarding, and work.

There were nights where we fought so loudly that I woke my roommate up from the other side of the wall, nights where I didn’t have the courage or energy to muster myself from my bed for fear that I would burst into tears, nights spent with him where I wished I was back at school.  And on the flip side, there were nights where I could picture doing whatever it was that we were doing for the rest of our lives and being so content.  Days spent with his family, evenings spent with our friends, phone calls and text messages professing our love for one another, and so many times where we sat and talked about how our future would look.  I think, looking back on it now, that I had on my rose colored glasses for a good majority of our relationship.  Whether that’s something that I should be ashamed of or impressed by, I’m not sure at this point.  I do know that there are days where I take my memories and experiences and thrive from everything I’ve learned both in the year and a half spent with him and the past two months being away, but there are also days where I want to take everything back and scream at the younger version of me, “GUARD YOUR HEART.  BE SMART.  LISTEN TO MOM AND DAD,” but I don’t think that either of these feelings are totally fair.  While it’s important to learn from mistakes and experiences, it’s also important to know which is a mistake and which is an experience and try not to confuse the two in the future.

I know this post makes it seem like I was trapped in a miserable relationship for the better part of two years, and I want to be 100% clear that that’s not how it was at all.  When Ed and I were good, it was as good as anything I’ve ever known.  I had someone who appreciated me for everything that I was and maybe even a little more at times, someone who loved me unconditionally and unapologetically, and someone who made me believe in the good in people again.  Above all, Ed made me feel beautiful.  That’s one of the most important things I can stress to people who ask me for relationship advice: if your significant other doesn’t make you feel beautiful without question, there’s probably something missing.  It just so happened that there was something missing in my relationship, too.  Sometimes, it happens.  I’m a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason and also that if it’s meant to be, it will be.  Pretty much, those sayings (and a few others) have been playing in my head like a record.  I know it was hard for Ed and I both to walk away from something that seemed to be working well enough, but I had to ask myself if I was willing to settle for “good enough” at 19.  Ultimately, it wasn’t something I felt like I had to do at this point in my life.

I haven’t spoken to him in great length since the break up – we communicated briefly about returning sweatshirts and the like a few weeks after I ended it, but since then we have had no communication – but I saw his mom once when I went to pick my clothes up at his house.  Saying goodbye to Ed’s family was one of the hardest things I had to do, and it also made it 10x more real in my mind.  I didn’t say goodbye to Noah for a variety of reasons, mostly because I hadn’t made up my mind by the last time I saw him but also I think it’s for the best because that would have been confusing for him and extremely upsetting for me.  He made Ed and I’s happy days so much happier and I feel lucky that I got to watch him grow up, even if it was only for a little while.  I didn’t personally say goodbye to any of Ed’s family, but a few days after the 10th both his mom and sister texted me, wishing me well and saying that they’d miss me and that I was good for Ed.  I thought I had wrapped up my emotions for awhile until I got his mom’s text and then everything unraveled again for awhile.  I had formed such an amazing connection with his family, but especially with his mom, so saying goodbye to someone I really cared about (and I know she cared about me as much) was so hard, and is something that I get emotional about if I think too hard about it.

Still, there was nothing harder than saying goodbye to Ed.  Some days, it still doesn’t feel real; kind of like the past year and a half was some sort of subconscious dream that I was observing instead of actually participating in.  It’s weird to think that the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with might actually never speak with me again.  However, I did something that I needed to do for myself – I was selfish, yes, but I would have cheated myself out of being 100% confident and happy going further if I hadn’t drawn the line.  Do I wish I had never fallen in love with Ed?  Some days, I do, but only because it still hurts a little.  I wrote a prose piece years ago about how it’s okay to be sad after you’re the one who did the ending (attached below!) but sometimes it’s still hard to remember.

When I’m in doubt, I think of the confidence and pride that my mother has for me; she is undoubtedly sure that I’m on my path to greatness, and I’m so thankful that she’s going through this journey with me and has picked me up and carried me when I no longer could.  I’m certainly blessed with the best family and friends anyone could ask for, and while this summer hasn’t especially gone as planned, I don’t think I would change anything.

Be proud of yourself for being brave.

xoxotumblr_n67lhveiff1rpnc2po1_1280

Asking questions you don’t really want the answer to:

Sometimes, we all have these days.  You’ve got to know what I’m talking about: everything’s going great and then BAM! (really, feels like a huge BAM!), something hits ya and makes your day go from 60-0 real quick.  This doesn’t happen too often to me, but it’s a big bummer when it does.  For instance, take today.  I worked from 7:30A-2:00P and then came home, had some down time with my mom, and took a shower before Ed picked me up.  Then, we drove around and ran a few errands and I was in the best of moods.  After hanging out at his house for a bit, his parents took us (me, Ed, his sister, and Noah) to Chuck-E-Cheese.  We ate pizza, ran around, played games, and took cute pictures!  It was so much fun to see Noah experience this for the first time, and I’m lucky that their family wanted me to be a part of that.  Eventually, we went home and Ed put Noah to bed (not before he took me through his teeth-brushing routine which somehow ended up with him telling me that birds don’t like dog food, ???).  When he was settled, Ed and I were sitting in his backyard, on his porch; something that we do often.  I’m a freak when I can see the stars in the sky, and it was so clear that there were dozens out tonight.  I loved it.

We jumped around from topic to topic, playing music in the process, until we finally settled on Noah, parenthood, and of course, our future.  It was a sweet conversation, and it left me with a longing and excitement for the future.  The conversation turned into something that I get rather nervous talking about, which is Ed and Noah’s mom’s relationship.  I have a genuine curiosity about it, but I feel like asking questions is out of my limit as his girlfriend.  He’s never been shy about anything I’ve asked him, and he always reassures me that I can ask him anything because he’s an open book: the way he looks at it, he wants people to learn from his situation and no one’s going to do any learning if he’s closed off or awkward about it.  So, my curiosity and confidence getting the best of me, I asked him a few intimate questions about his previous relationship.  Almost immediately, I regretted asking.  It felt nosy, but I also think that I knew the answers before he told me.  I was hoping that he would tell me what I wanted to hear, to prove my suspicions wrong and reassure me that I shouldn’t stress about anything.  However, he gave me the answers that I knew I was going to get and the answers that I didn’t really want.  He was completely honest, and I love him so much for that; it would have been easier for both of us, I’m sure, if he would have given me the answers that I wanted.

I think Ed knew that I was upset.  I’m not very good at hiding it, especially from him.  It’s actually infuriating sometimes, because sometimes the best thing is to be upset by yourself, and whenever I’m with him he always finagles it out of me.  Before I got the chance to say anything, he said that even though he had no problem answering any of my questions, he thought that the questions I had asked were ones that maybe I shouldn’t have, at least at this point.  Not because he’s ashamed of his past or the questions, but because he knows I struggle with his past.  He kept apologizing and that made me sad, because the only person who I was angry with was myself.  It was selfish of me to think that getting the answer (that I didn’t want) to a question (that I shouldn’t have asked) would quell my curiosity or make our situation better.  I know Ed loves me, and he does an amazing job of taking care of me and making sure I’m happy.  Tonight, though, I made myself so unhappy in the worst way.  Instead of getting mad or heated or frustrated or irritated, I made myself sad.

I can’t help but think to myself, what the heck is wrong with you??  You’re in this beautiful relationship, with the most handsome and caring man you’ve ever met.  Why can’t you just live in the now instead of worrying about his past?  Why must you ruin nights like this??  I know that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, but tonight I couldn’t keep my eyes from feeling heavy or my throat from feeling tight.  I know Ed picked up on it, and I’m thankful that he respected me enough to not press me on the issue.  Even he knows that sometimes it’s best to be by yourself with your emotions, especially something that affects me like this does.

Recently, I made a deal with myself that, in order to find utmost happiness, I need to let go of things I cannot control – namely Ed’s past.  There is no way I could go back almost five years in time and stop them from meeting or dating, and I don’t know if I would want to because I know Ed’s the man he is today because of everything that happened in his past.  He wouldn’t be the same Ed, he wouldn’t be my Ed.  This being said, my biggest obstacle is Noah’s mom.  Even though she isn’t in Ed’s life anymore, I still feel threatened by her.  She knew him first, she loved him first, she was his before anyone else was.  I hate that, and I get a huge pit in my stomach when I think about it.  So writing this entry has been a huge pleasure for me.  (That was sarcasm, could you tell?).  These are the nights that I find myself struggling with the deal I made with myself.

However, I know that happiness is more important than dwelling on something that I can’t change.  So I’m working on it.  For now, I guess I’ll leave you with this: be careful with your curiosity.  Even though there might be a question that’s pressing the front of your brain and on the tip of your tongue, make sure asking will be worth the feeling you get if the answer is one you don’t want.