AGH (Sometimes You Need To Scream)

Well.  What the HELL.  Firstly, I know it’s been like six years sine I updated and I’M SORRY for that.  Life has been crazy crazy over here.  Never a dull moment, that’s for sure.

Some good things:  Every day, it gets easier and easier to wake up and not think about Ed.  Sure, I have my good days and my bad days, but overall I feel an overwhelming sense of calm settling over that part of my life.  I’m ready to keep the past in the past.  My mother always tells me that Ed (in this situation) is in my rearview mirror and I have to concentrate on everything coming into view on the dash.  She’s good like that, my mother is.

T-9 DAYS TILL I MOVE BACK IN!!!!!!!  I’m only a little bit excited.  (JOKES FOREVER I CAN’T WAIT!)  My roommates Tay and Dom have already moved in because they’re early arrivals due to cheer camp, so ALL of last weekend was spent helping them set up the room as well as moving in some of my stuff and just generally hanging out and getting back in the swing of things.  Going back to my house after spending the afternoon with my friends at school felt wrong and sad.  I do love being with my family, but I’m ready to get back in the swing of things with some of my most favorite people.

Some not-so-good-things:  I am ultra confused!  So.  Without name dropping or divulging super personal information, I have gotten friendzoned by someone who means the world to me even though I know he likes me too.  This is both a good and bad thing; good, because I am on my way and making progress in getting back into the swing of things on my own.  It feels good to be able to put my feelings toward someone else, someone who has the potential to be very good for me.  Bad, because raise your hand if you like getting friendzoned.  Oh, no hands?  WEIRD.  It sucks.  It’s sucky and the WORST part of it all is that I know he feels the same way for me but is not ready to act on anything yet.  I’m sure in the long run it’ll only be good for us, whether we decide to be together as a couple or just continue our friendship.  However, I’m in the middle of embracing the suck and let me tell you I did NOT miss this weird feeling of having anxiety of not knowing.

UGH.  Frustration x 1000000.

However, this weekend Maddie and I are road tripping all the way to Dayton, Ohio, to visit our friend Patrick who we went to high school with (I might have written about him before).  We are SO excited and I’m hoping it distracts me a little from my current situation.  It’ll be a hella long drive (something like 4.5 hours but I’ll probably have to pee at least twice) and I HATE driving on the highway/never ever drive on the highway so I’m hoping it’ll be a learning experience for me in the best way possible.  My mom grew up near Dayton and so in addition to meeting Patrick’s friends and experiencing all that the University of Dayton has to offer, I’m SO EXCITED to see where she grew up.  We’re planning on driving to her house and maybe the high school she went to.  I’ve never been to her old neighborhood so I’m really excited for that, too!  It should be a wonderful weekend.

I’ll get by, I know I will.  It’s just the waiting that kills me.  For now, I’m gonna listen to sad music and ponder.  I’ve become very good at this this summer, lol.

xoxo

Advice (and other shenanigans)!

Yo yo yo!  Sorry, that was annoying.  Soooooo anyways, here’s the follow up most from my last blog (found here) about the struggles (but also joys) of dating a teen parent.  Let me clarify something, before we even get started: I knew Ed was a teen dad when I first got to know him, and I’ve never had the mindset of being Noah’s “New Mom” or “Other Mom”.  I didn’t enter the relationship so I could babysit someone else’s kid.  I was purely in it for Ed, and still am.  Do I care about Noah?  Absolutely.  He’s an extension of Ed, which makes me love him as much as everything else about Ed.  Plus, he’s the sweetest little boy you’ll ever meet.  So that’s a bonus.

Now that I got that very important tidbit of information out there, we can continue.  I’ve recently experienced a lot of unfamiliar emotions in regards to my relationship.  There’s something to be said about watching someone you love interact with his child (I say his purely because that’s my situation).  He lights up when he sees his son, and likewise for when Noah sees his dad.  He did an amazing job of studying and reading all the books when Noah was on his way and when he was younger.  Just the other day he was educating me on the safety of making sure the child’s car seat buckle was placed properly over his sternum to prevent asphyxiation in the event of a car crash.  He would’d agree with me, but I can tell that he’s proud of everything he’s learned about being a dad, and he really does make an amazing dad.  He wears the fact that he’s a teen dad on his sleeve and is not embarrassed or hesitant to answer anyone’s questions or talk about Noah or his situation at all.  I definitely think that’s admirable; in a situation as complex as his, it would be easy to feel closed off to the idea of talking to someone about it.  Ed embraces it though, and it’s something that I love about him.  Even seven months in, he’ll still answer any of my questions about the pregnancy or being a dad.  Watching him with Noah makes me excited for our future.  We know that we’re young and, in the grand scheme of things, haven’t been together for that long.  We also know, though, that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.  We want to get married, buy a house, wake up next to each other, start a family together.  It’s something that I think about all the time, and I cannot wait.

In relation to that, there’s also a sadness that I have experienced.  It hit me a few months ago, that I’ll be the holder of very few “firsts” for Ed.  I won’t be his first kiss, love, partner, or even the first one to mother his children.  This was such a raw emotion for me, and it’s still something that I struggle with every day.  Ed knows that I feel this way, to an extent, but I don’t know if he knows how much it still affects me.  A few weeks ago, we sat in his car in the parking lot of the restaurant we were going into and he listened to me vent and yell and cry about these feelings, which was the first time I had expressed this to him.  I haven’t broached the subject with him again, but it definitely hasn’t gone away.  I don’t know if it every will, to be honest, but I guess that’s something that I’ll have to get through should Ed and I continue on the path that we are on.

Another thing I’ve had to deal with (and am currently dealing with) is the drama between Ed’s ex and I.  Before we dated, she and I were actually civil with each other; we sat next to each other in our Drama Lit class and had many conversations.  When it came out that Ed and I were together, the friendship that we had established was completely crumbled and she had no intentions of being my friend.  To an extent, I understand her frustration and anger.  I’m another woman who is receiving the love she received for four years; that’s a pretty raw feeling.  Also, I’m sure she was worried and angry about me meeting Noah.  Granted, this didn’t happen until a few months into our relationship, but I can imagine that there’s an insecurity that occurs when the father of your child brings another woman around that child. Recently, I’ve been trying to “bury the hatchet” (or so they say) with her, because Ed and I talk seriously about our future, and there are going to be many occasions when all three of us are in the same room together, for Noah.  They’re trying to maintain a civil relationship so Noah doesn’t have to grow up with more drama than is necessary – remember that he’s going to live with the fact that he’s only 15 years younger than his parents.  When I told Ed that I was insecure about his past relationship with her and that it made me sad, he suggested that I try to be civil with her, not only for Noah but because it would make me feel better as well.  It takes a lot of energy to be hateful towards someone.  He mentioned that, at Noah’s last doctors appointment, she asked about Ed and I, and then proceeded to tell him that she was happy for us and that she thought we were cute together.  I was skeptical at first, because this came from his ex and also the girl who blocked me on Twitter when she found out about us (I KNOW!  7th grade, much??).  However, I told him that I would make an effort in being civil with her, for everyone’s sake.

Last week, Ed’s family brought me with them on their family vacation to Michigan City.  I had the most amazing time, so when I got home the first thing I did was upload all the pictures of us & vacation onto my social media sites – Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc – and got many compliments from friends and family about how happy we looked.  I was happy.  The next day, I found out that Ed’s ex had said some things on Twitter about how my “time was running out” because I had “been there for a while”.  She then went on to say how she’s “always gonna be here, bitch”.  I was mad, not only because she was talking about me behind my back, but she was cowardly about it in the fact that she tweeted it because she thought, since I was blocked from viewing her profile, I couldn’t see her tweeting about me.  One thing that I’ve always had a problem with is when people talk about me behind my back.  The way I look at it is that I’m 18, and if someone has something to say, just say it.  It only makes waves when people gossip behind my back, and I find it a bit infuriating.  When I told Ed about this, his initial reaction was to tell me to brush it off because she was immature.  However, I stand firm in my decision that I’m done being civil with her.  She burned that bridge so fast, and if I’m being honest, I don’t even know if she’s intelligent enough to see that what she did will impact the future relationship between she and I.  But, I digress.

The purpose of this blog post was not to rant about the maturity of people, but to provide some sort of guidance for girls (or boys) who are going through the same situation that I am.  As big of a controversy as teen parenting is, there isn’t much support for the girlfriends or boyfriends of teen parents.  I can’t express how many times I’ve scoured the internet for a blog, support group, or even a Yahoo! Answers thread about what to do if I’m feeling this, that, or the other.  Hopefully someone who needs this will stumble across it and it’ll provide some relief.

That’s it, at least for now, on this subject.  I’m sure there will be more blog posts about this, but for now I’m typed out.

What the heck, Rachel you’re a blogger now??

Hey cyber-friends.

So, I’ve realized that this is probably a silly thing for me to do, especially because I live in suburbia and no one here blogs unless their life is totally dramatic or they’re really good at cooking.  Unfortunately for you out there reading this right now, I am neither of the aforementioned blog types – I’m just an Average Joe (Rachel?) who’s got too many thoughts for her head.  I can’t promise that each entry will have a coherent theme or much of anything interesting to say, but I’ll try my best for all of my faithful readers.  (Hi, mom).  Some topics you can expect from me:

  • college
  • boyfriend & friends
  • work
  • personal life

I don’t know about you, but that vague list looks pretty damn intriguing!  (Kidding).  I’m gonna get started on those super interesting blog entries now, while the ideas are swimming around in my head.  Who knows how often I’ll feel motivated, so I should really get cracking!